“My friend introduced me to this hunky guy at a club. We wound up going out a few days later. He’s an awesome dancer and easy to talk to,” said Tori, and eighteen year-old high school senior in suburban So Cal.

“How did it go?” I asked.

“It was cool. We went to a different club in Hollywood, grabbed a late-night snack at Jerry’s, then over to his apartment.”

“You must like the guy, doing the apartment thing on the first date.”

“He’s a hottie! Six-foot two; chiseled features; tanned and blond. Plus he has a cool car and an apartment with an incredible view.”

“So it’s getting serious?”

“Nah . . . not really.”

I was surprised, “Really? It sounds like you got into him very quickly.”

“I liked him, and I liked being seen with him; but I’m looking for more.
He seems kind of shallow.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty-two. He’s a junior in college and works part-time.”

“Must be a nice job to pay for all that stuff.”

“His parents help him out. Hey, don’t get me wrong; he’s quite a catch, but I feel weird about going out with him. He asked me out for this weekend, but I told him I was busy. I’m not sure what to do if he calls. Whaddya think?”

“Well, as someone who is a little bit older and, on rare occasions, wiser, than you,   I’d say that you should trust your intuition. If you have a hunch that he’s not right for you, go with it.”

“Yeah, but he’s funny, good-looking and has money to spend on me!” Tori chuckled.

 “Oh, I forgot, it’s all about you, isn’t it?”

 “Got that right!”

 “So what did you do at his apartment? Did you, you know?”

 “It was late, and I was all wrapped up in the being cool and being ‘adult’. I didn’t drink, but I felt myself pulled by the music, his hard body, the moonlight and the fact that his roommate wasn’t home. Of course, being twenty-two, he had a few beers, but he wasn’t drunk. Good thing, cuz he drove; and if he got busted for a DUI, my parents would kill me!”
  
“So?”
 
“So, we put on some music, sat on the couch and before you know it, we’re kissing and it gets pretty intense after that.” She looked down at the floor.
  
 “Did you have sex?”

 “No! What kind of girl do you think I am? I’m not some kind of ho!”

 “Chill girl. I’m sorry, just curious.”

“After a few deep and long kisses, his hands were all over me. He asked me to go to the bedroom, but I told him no. I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of slut.”
  
“So you got up and left?”

“Yeah right! No . . . he kissed the back of my neck and it sent shivers down my spine. Next thing I knew he was pushing my head down toward his lap and asking me to go down on him.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. I didn’t really want to, but I gave into the whole scene. Plus he’s so dreamy.”

“What happened next?

“It’s like he checked out. After he got his little thrill, he backed off. Not physically, but I could tell that his mind was going somewhere else.”

“Once he conquered you and got what he wanted, he had other things in mind.”

“That’s kinda harsh; but yeah, I guess that’s probably what happened.”

“Could that be why you don’t want to hook up with him this weekend?”

“I think so,” Tori looked down at her fingernails and dug at some imaginary dirt underneath them, “I feel used.”

“You were,” I affirmed. “That intense physical expression was way beyond your relationship. It was a first date.

“But it wasn’t sex.”

“Yeah it was. It just wasn’t intercourse.”

“What?”

“They call it ‘going down’, ‘giving head’ and a bunch of other names; but its oral sex. It’s stimulating your partner orally instead of full genital contact or penetration.”

“I hate that word – penetration!”

“Yeah, I know, it sounds so forced.”

“That’s why I’m more comfortable with the . . . you know, what we did.”

“Yeah, I know. And I also know that lots of young people are going crazy about oral sex, claiming it’s cool because it’s not sex. But like my buddy says, ‘If oral sex isn’t sex, then why can’t they come up with better words to describe it? Which of the words makes it something else, ‘oral’ or ‘sex’?’ It’s still sex.”

“You’re right. It seems to be the rage right now, and I didn’t want to be left out. It was only my second time.”

“I don’t want to get too heavy with you, but let me tell you a few things your friends won’t tell you about oral sex: it bonds you with your partner in a deeper and more intense way then just kissing and caressing.”

“Yeah, I noticed that. I felt very close to this guy, his name is Jason, but I didn’t want to be that close, that soon.”

“Yup, that’s because it’s designed for a more committed relationship.”

“Says who?”

“The experts.”

“Like who? Dr. Phil? Dr. Ruth? And Dr. Drew from Loveline?”

“Yeah, and others. Plus it’s unprotected sex. Your mouth has all kinds of bacteria and can carry sexually transmitted diseases, and you may not know you have anything!”

“No, ewww, that’s scary! I just figured, since we weren’t having sex, I mean intercourse, that I was protected. You know, with all of this hype about AIDS and all the STDs, it seems much safer to have oral sex than real, all-the-way sex.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s frightening. One romantic evening could ruin your health for a lifetime.”

“I think that explains my second thoughts about Jason. It just seems too-much, too-fast. Thanks.”

“Oh yeah, there’s one more thing that your friends may not tell you about oral sex. This whole ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement usually is a rip-off for the girl. Once a guy gets off, he’s likely to back off from the girl. The friends with benefits deal tilts towards the guy’s sexual satisfaction more than the girls. She wants to bond and snuggle, and he’s ready to bolt out the door!”

“Exactly! That’s the way I felt about Jason. I was looking ahead for more; more snuggling, more sweet talk and being together; but once he got what he wanted it was back to a cool, almost ‘just-friends’ status. It was weird.”

“It clouds the relationship. If you are ‘just friends’ it’s best to leave the sex, even oral sex out of the relationship. Sure it feels good to meet your sexual needs, but it changes the dynamic. It blurs the line between friend and lover.”

“Hey, thanks. Now I know what to tell Jason.”